改了一篇雅思思维的作文

作文题目:Some people think the purpose of education is to have a better life in the future; others argue that its aim is only for a self-improvement. What is your opinion?

学生作文:

In the contemporary world, it can be observed that the issue of education purpose has grown in importance. In my opinion, education is an effective way to improve the life quality of human in the future.

To begin with, a variety of reasons can be offered to explain why I am in favour of that education contributes to achieving a better life. Firstly, it is indeed a fact that the development of technology increases dramatically the efficiency of production in terms of industry and agriculture, which is based on innovators who are highly educational. For example, the manufacturing of computers involves comprehensive knowledge of materials, computing, and chemistry, which cannot be understood by a person with the education level of primary school.

Secondly, it is also true that governments’ policies play an essential role in our daily life. Then, a comprehensive and easy-to-execute policy depends on scientific and sufficient plans, researches and discussion. These operations must favorable finished by policy-makers who are familiar with science, politics, and sociology. Furthermore, the knowledge in these realms is mainly offered in the universities rather than high schools.

However, it is undeniable that most of the common people just pursuit for a job with high-income through higher education certificates. The deep influence and essence of knowledge and education are not concerned consciously by them. Therefore, in some sense, self-improvement is the most obvious and utilitarian propose for a person. 

In a nutshell, I am firmly convinced that educational purpose is to have a better life in the future, and the argument that its aim is only for self-improvement cannot hold water. 

你好我是PandaPTE的Caster老师,下面对你的作文进行一下点评:

一,即便写作水平好,也不建议在PTE作文当中用过多的精力,例如:使用5段论的方式写,顶格写到300字,因为作文分值在PTE考试中占比较低,作文写这么长这么复杂可以算画蛇添足了

从这一点可以看出对PTE考试的重点并不了解,这样很可能抓不住重点,很可能在前几次考试碰壁。不管你最后选择什么方:问朋友、上课、1v1……请你在PTE考试前了解:它的考察重点和雅思完全不同。

我就是一开始不理解,第一次考试只拿了6X分,9天后的第二次考试直接90。因为我有同样的经历,所以特别怕高分段的选手盲目给培生送钱。

二、因为对机考的不理解,所以用了你控制不住的语法,并且语言啰嗦

啰嗦例如:To begin with,后面又firstly。这对于计算机来说不一定会判错,但要知道,计算机的逻辑当中“Firstly Secondly Thirdly”成一组,“To begin with, then, also, thus”等成一组。你文章中混合搭配逻辑至少在人看来太乱。

自己把握不住的句型例如:

Firstly, it is indeed a fact that the development of technology increases dramatically the efficiency of production in terms of industry and agriculture, which is based on innovators who are highly educational.

时态上,科技发展带来的好处是持续的,并且是已经带来了的,所以应该使用现在完成时has increased,而不是increases。

然后副词的使用,正确语序是:xxx has increased xxx dramatically,而不是现在这样

所以这一句应该改成:

Firstly, it is indeed a fact that the development of technology has increased the efficiency of production dramatically in terms of industry and agriculture.

然后educational其实是教育性的,如果你要说一个人受到良好教育,那应该用highly educated.

based on这个动词用的也不好,虽然计算机不一定会判错,但肯定会有更好的动词。

如果我写你这句话的意思,会写成

Firstly, the development of technology brought forth by the highly educated innovators has increased the efficiency of production dramatically in terms of industry and agriculture.

有没有感觉更清晰明了?计算机喜欢清晰明了的句子,不喜欢wordy。

全文中其他明显的问题比较少了,但始终有让人感觉wordy的问题。

三、缩减到四段,PTE作文不需要辩证

如果你能把“一”当中的问题解决了,这一点不言自明。

注意PTE考试大作文只有20分钟,不是雅思考试,除非你考试时思路行云流水,打字速度飞快,不然考试时不可能写完。

四、 PTE作文不建议使用俗语

作文最后的can not hold water不合适,要考虑到俗语并不是书面语言,计算机不一定能理解。这里用is wrong 甚至都比用俗语好。